Pre Above & Beyond in chicago, may 12th 2012. This isn’t all the kandi I wore that night, but I got so many trades. And I gave a star kandi to a girl who’s Molly dealer got kicked out in the middle of their transaction. He took off with her money and dosage, I felt really bad for her. Lol
During the set of Sun and Moon a man named Kyle (he was a Gemini) gave me a single that actually was a “sun and moon” bracelet. I’ll keep it forever
Last time I was on tumblr was about 3 months ago. At times I wish I had someone to vent everything out to and how an internet site is going to make up for that sympathy and understanding that a human can provide I am not so sure. But I don’t have a somebody anymore, rather or an anybody. Day in and day out I am struggling with mental battles that are slowing driving me to a brink of insanity. I pushed everyone out of my life and dug myself into this hole because I enjoy it. I like the feeling of being alone, because I’m going to die that way.
I am slowly growing short of patience. I am catching onto many aspects of reality that I have not before, I am growing upset with people that I care about. Most importantly, I am starting to fucking hate myself. I hate being on a plateau and if there’s anything in the world that is going to slay me it’s my very own jealousy.
I am admitting my issue to myself much more openly, and throwing everything that I had as far as human relationships go out the window. I would sound like I’m complaining if I said “I’m just tired of the world doing me wrong and everyone continuing to be ungrateful.” But really… who the fuck isn’t? The people who take and take and take aren’t. I’ve never seen people who have things going so easy complain about so many other things in my entire life. I watched my entire life crumble before my eyes given the only figures I looked up to, both in the past and present time, either died unexpectedly or right before my eyes. I had done a 180 spin in a matter of two months and everything had turned resentful. It bit me in the ass due to the fact that I never really talked about my feelings or what I was going through to anyone, but it also blew my mind that it felt like no one had cared. Even the ones that had witnessed everything that I was going through at the current time and the mood swinging rollercoaster that followed… just didn’t even send a ‘how are you feeling?’ text, phone call, letter, nothing.
I wanted everyone in my life to just get together for one night on my birthday but nobody had the common courtesy to do that for me. It is not hard to hangout for a few hours and talk to other people and have a decent time. One of my friends made me feel paraded the moment they had arrived, the other hadn’t done anything but get upset over someone who shouldn’t of been brought along in the first place, and everyone else had just fucking left. That was the drawing line and I’m not going back. Everyone who I thought I should keep giving myself to had proven to me exactly how I should treat them back. But I’m not going to retaliate, I’m going to hold my tongue and not say anything like I always do. I’ll run away and give them the benefit of the doubt just to simply fuck off… Until I return and have some secret guard up, torturing myself because I want to slap the shit out of everyone involved in my life right now. I don’t want this feeling anymore.
I’m going to run away and nobody will ever see me again. It may not be soon, but it will happen.
I have to dance this weekend with the loss of a family member and a heart crushed to pieces.
I need to stay strong. I can do this.
